Star Wars - Edge of the Empire

Nuthin' But Upset

Holes in the net: Netfly seemed to lack any strategy or defense

Dave Netfly, once beloved sport fighter, has been grounded. In his first appearance at the Huttese Morlac Tusk Stalker Championship, Vitaly Khruschev easily pummeled Netfly into submission and when he was done beating the body, he beat the man; showing the Children’s Favorite to be nothing but a fraud and a crook. The Sargassan native ripped out armored plates that had been hidden in Netfly’s clothing, exposed Dave’s arms as cybernetically enhanced electrical shock weapons and then forced him to admit to cheating while holding him above the venue’s infamous kilometre drop precipice.

Despite last minute predictions by bookies that the fight could go the distance and the experienced Vitaly looked fit enough to last several rounds with Netfly, the bell never stopped the fight. In less than 60 seconds, The Human Hope went from favored titan of the ring to charlatan limb and he made sure to look terrible doing it. Dave must have spent more time entering the ring than actually fighting in it and during the few seconds of actual pugilism he gave us, he seemed more interested in dancing and playing to the crowd than enacting any kind of strategy or putting up a defense against Vitaly’s superior agililty and skill. He must have hoped he could smile the Sargassan to death.

The beginning murmurs of an uproar have already begun in the fight community. This puts into doubt every win that Netfly has on his record and we have to wonder, how long has Dave had those cybernetic arms?

Empty Net

“He’s not new. He’s done a lot of fighting. Just not here.” The Toydarian Troll was quoted as saying. Troll is Vitaly’s longtime trainer and friend. Despite the fact that Vitaly looked exhausted and visibly fatigued after the fight, Troll assured reporters that Vitaly wasn’t too old to continue, but he has to focus on his next fight, which is against the mysterious first seed.

While Vitaly may have stolen the show, there were plenty of other stunning upsets and ludicrous matchups. Lobo dominated the small, weak dug, Drigs, which any five year old with fully functioning eyes (obviously something the matchmakers for the brackets don’t have) could have told you would happen. Drigs had his back broken at the end of the match, probably ending his career, but definitely the only part of this lopsided spectacle that anyone cared about.

He wasn’t the only one. Duke Tyson may never walk again after Hrothgar snapped his spine in two. This leaves Vitaly as the only non-genetically altered human in the tournament. Although Tyson put on a magnificent display of skill and cunning (note to Netfly: THIS is how you play to the crowd while actually fighting), in the end it was the wookie’s mindless rage that came out on top.

Zarina should consider a career as a statue. Or a vending machine. Or really anything else. Before she could even breathe deeply, Quintos Chokka knocked her cold with a spectacular aú sem mão that may have broken the record for fastest KO in the Morlac.

But the best fight of the evening was when they brought in an infant rancor to fight a retired clone trooper named Gray. At first It looked like one of those arena tricks where the promoters exponentially increase the bloodshed to reel the fans’ attention back in for the last match. But Gray didn’t lose. It was a vicious battle for survival that included the trooper stabbing the rancor’s eyes just as he was about to get bitten in half and Grey wielding a bloodied, stolen tooth that he had wrenched from the creature’s maw and then using it as the instrument of the rancor’s demise.

Even if many of us bought our tickets to see Netfly fight, the rancor fight gave us our money’s worth.



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